Our next song is… “I am so sad, so very very sad”
Good God damn am I lonely. Lonelier than I have ever felt. Soul-crushing, sobbing in bed until I have made myself ill loneliness. And I don’t really have anyone I want to admit this to.
Sure, I have friends I can talk to about it. But my usual go-to’s have their own issues and don’t need to be burdened by mine. Or they have moved away, and so the coffee and chick flick remedy is off the table. They have their own lives. Which, I celebrate and cannot fault them. However, it makes it that much more clear that I have no one. No souls confidant. It took two dear friends leaving for me to see that.
I miss you more than I can confidently put into words. More than I can actually verbalize, for fear of causing you unnecessary and undeserved guilt.
For the first time in my life, I want someone for me. Someone to hold me and comfort me through these times. Someone I don’t have to share. Someone who will help me to see that although my friends have their own lives, at the end of the day I’m not left completely alone.
It’s that feeling that makes me shut them out more.
Once more, I find myself fleeing to bed with a hurt heart and pounding head. How much of this can I attribute to my broken heart? Was my heart really ever unbroken?
Melodrama runs in my blood, you see.
But I can’t think of a time I have loved in a way I see others love. Am I meant to? Do I know how to love? Will anyone ever love me?
Lately, it’s hard to believe that will ever happen for me. And I don’t even know how to talk to anyone about it. I know wallowing isn’t the answer, but I feel like I’ve played all my cards and am waiting to be handed a card, tossing me from the game.